Sorry for not writing for a few months I have been too busy and too exhausted. Plus I don’t have a laptop anymore and my phone is standing on its last legs.
I was in a relationship for roughly a year and in my mind’s eye it was perfect, and even though no one in my family liked him, I just believed that he was it.
He had been on my case for over a year, calling every day, always wanting to see me and all of that. But, because I had just gone through a bad breakup I wasn’t ready, I was an emotional mess, happy one minute sad the next. I eventually stopped talking to him because I felt rushed. Few months down the line, he called me from nowhere, we started talking again and that was it. I decided to love him-you know some people believe that you fall in love, I don’t believe that anymore, love is a choice, I can decide to love you and I can decide to stop loving you when it becomes a toxic relationship.
Our relationship was ‘long distance’, he stayed about an hour away and he tried to come as many times as he could. I was in heaven, planning our wedding. We had decided on the number of children we would have. He had met my mum, met my grandma, it was just good and then he soon disappeared.
I would call and he wouldn’t pick. There was a day I called so much that he had to send me a message that I was killing his battery. That just fuelled my indignation-I called the more until the phone went dead. I will never forget those days, I wasn’t sleeping I would stay awake and cry, I lost so much weight and even though I had my happy face I was dying on the inside from wondering what I did wrong because in my mind’s eye, the problem could never have come from him- he loved me too much, I must have done something.
When I couldn’t take it anymore, I went on my knees, I remember crying so much. The best heart mender is Jesus. I cried so much and then I let him go. I couldn’t do it anymore; I was harming myself and my body. It was one of the most painful things I ever had to do.
Do you know that after I called it off he only sent a message once and that was two weeks later. I remember clearly what he wrote.”Hi stranger”
You would think that would give me a clue to how he truly felt. I just held on the old him, the guy that was on my case for over a year, and the one that wouldn’t want to get off the phone even if he had a meeting. That’s the guy my mind held on to.
In case you are wondering, I never replied the text.
That was 2016.
Fast-forward to 2017, I was so pumped about Jesus’ plans for my plan and the exploits I would do. I was going to cause havoc to the kingdom of darkness. All of a sudden I heard his name. I had completely forgotten about him and now started hearing his name, consistently. When I knew I had to reach out was when I started having dreams and hearing his name when I prayed.
I should have just left it at prayer.
We got talking; he apologized for what he did and spun a lie about having financial issues.
So we picked up from where we left off, I remember my family being so angry. So angry because they knew how much he had hurt me but I categorically told them he was the one for me.
It was amazing until I got a text message from his wife, with his phone, at 3.00 a.m.
My world crashed.
Apparently, the person I was planning to get married to was already married and blessed with a child. A very beautiful eight month old whom I never knew existed.
The worst part was finding out the day after my birthday.
It took a lot to get me to let him go, I still believed him when he told me they were getting a divorce and he didn’t love her.
I still believed him.
There’s nothing I didn’t do to justify our relationship.
He was divorced.
He didn’t love her
He loved only me
He will love only me
I didn’t know.
He can tell you that they are divorced but God restores marriages.
He can tell you that he doesn’t love her but he loved her enough to marry her.
He can tell you that she got pregnant before marriage but that just means that he isn’t truly a Christian and he might knock you up just like he did with her.
He might tell you that he will love you forever but it is with those lips that he promised and even swore to God that he will love her till death do them part.
Love has boundaries, and one boundary is that married people are off. You do not break someone else’s home no matter how much you have invested into it. You do not do that.
There are too many men in the world;
God is such a good Father
• Do you really think He cannot give you your own man?
• Do you really think that He is not enough for you?
• Do you really think that that is His perfect will for you?
The three weeks following this event was a defining moment for me I couldn’t hear God or I didn’t want to hear what He had to say because even though I was confused and broken I knew what the likely answer would be.
I didn’t want to believe I had spent so much time praying for another woman’s husband, talking with another woman’s husband, depriving a young child from the love of both parents. But it was what I did even though unknowingly, it was what I did.
Two pastors gave me this advice and I hope you let it sink.
• Focus on you
• Focus on Jesus
I spent a lot of time praying, listening to sermons; I even joined in the#HallelujahChallenge. At first, it was difficult because he kept calling and telling me how much he loved me and so many things. However, I decided to stay fixed on God. All of a sudden, I began to feel lighter, lighter and lighter until I was strong enough to let go. I do not know how it happened I literally thought I was going to die if I left him. But I am happy to say that I am not dead.
Now, I look forward to my own husband, my own child, my ministry, my future and look forward to seeing Jesus when He comes again.