I used sex instead of words to say sorry.
My boyfriend and I had an argument a while ago, and honestly, the first thing that came to my mind was how to use my body to get him to realise how sorry I was. I was really shocked and brooded this over a while, I didn’t understand why that would be the only thing that came to my mind. I didn’t think of saying sorry, I didn’t think saying it will be enough, I sincerely thought what I did was unforgivable and the only way to get back on his good side was to use the one arsenal that has worked for me over the years.
My body has been abused by me and by the people I allowed to abuse it, my body has been my help when it comes to apologies, I didn’t have to say anything, my body did most of the begging and after sex, it seemed that everything was alright.
But, it was never alright.
With sex, you can be as sorry and as angry as you want to be. You can pacify and sometimes patch a broken relationship. But this relationship and this method will only work for a while.
I noticed the signs, I knew I wasn’t meant to be in these relationships, I knew I deserved better, people told me all the time, but I just couldn’t leave. Leaving wasn’t an option or me as I just couldn’t imagine that someone else will make me as happy as this person did even though I was extremely sad and shedding tears every two weeks. I just couldn’t leave; I didn’t think I would be able to do it, I didn’t think I would be enough for another person. So many questions came to my mind; where will I start from? who will love me? who can love me?
As far as I was concerned, my value was in my being “enough” for my ex’s. So I tried to be enough, I tried to be enough sexually and in all the other ways I felt they needed me.
I thought I was something, I didn’t realise that I was nothing.
Until I met Jesus
Accepting God’s love was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, it still is difficult-I mean, low self-esteem constantly makes you aware that you ‘cannot afford to be wrong’. But, with God, even when I am wrong, His arms are always open to receive me.
His love is there irrespective of my performance, His love is there to pick me up whenever I fall, His love is there to love me into doing the right things. It is not based on my performance, it is not based on what I am good at, He just loves me.
You do not have to use your body anymore.
You are worth more than this
You are worth more than him
More than her
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