#MySelfEsteemAndI Consumed by Self Hate

www.lagosbeautyblogger.wordpress.com

I’ve tried at several times to put down my story, but each time, I’ve stopped along the way. Hopefully, I’ll be able to finish this one.

My parents separated shortly after I was born, so I never got to live with us together as a family. Not too long after my fifth birthday, I had to move in with my Aunt and her family, and I’ve been there ever since.

My Aunt is a great person at heart, but thing is, I was quite stubborn as a kid, and she had to correct me a lot. In doing this, she usually tore me down, and it was only a matter of time before I began to feel worthless. I began to feel like I wasn’t good enough for anything, so I shrunk myself, and generally withdrew to myself. I did and still do not have a lot of friends as a result.

Her secondary school days went by without much incidence. I wasn’t bullied or anything, but I always felt the need to hide, because if people noticed me, they will see me for exactly what I was: dirty and worthless. For some reason, a certain incidence that happened while I was in SS2 has stuck with me. I was one of the students shortlisted to be a school prefect, and all nominees were expected to be interviewed before being assigned posts. I could not bring myself to go for the interview. I just could not imagine being in front of so many of my teachers all at once. Yes, I most people feared going into staff rooms and stuff like that, but this was a situation where I could potentially become perfect (you probably know how big a deal that was), but I did not think it was enough reason to risk coming out of my shell.

University came and things got worse. I noticed for the first time while I was in my first year, exactly how short I am. This was an obsession I carried about for about three years. More than half the time I was thinking about how my height. I ruminated on this for hours and coupled with the already existing self-loathing, I became extremely withdrawn. As a result, I did not have a lot of friends. I still do not have a lot of friends. The opposite sex became a no-go area for me.

In your post, you said your low self-esteem drove you to boys that were not compatible with you. For me, the reverse was the case. I was and still am convinced that I’m not good enough for any girl. I even convinced myself that because of this, I was not going to get married, because no woman deserves to have to be with me. By the time I was 18, I had done extensive research on and knew pretty much everything about single parent surrogacy. I was certain that was what I was going to do. Thankfully, I’m not so certain anymore, but it is something I still consider every once in a while.

My depressive bouts are now less frequent and severe. They used to last for days, and sometimes when they got really bad, I considered (although not for too long) hurting myself. They don’t come as frequently anymore (probably because I’m usually quite busy), and mostly not as severe, they still get pretty bad sometimes.

There’s a lot more I want to say, but I feel like it would only be me boring you with the details of my life. Hope I haven’t bored you too much already.

It still feels weird talking (or writing) to someone about this. There’s a lot more I could and should say, hopefully, I’ll be able to do so soon.

I will like to end this by saying that we have been working on his self-esteem for a couple of months now and I am proud to say that he has finally found a girl that he can talk to and be free with (I hope this leads to something serious because he is so into her). He has a more positive view of himself, and he has begun to experiment with new things, even a new look! Yay. There is still a lot to work on but he has made tremendous improvement and I am so proud to have been with him all the step of the way.

Please feel free to submit articles on how you overcame your low self-esteem and if you haven’t overcome it, I am here to help.

Email me thelagosbeautyblogger@gmail.com

Twitter LagosBeautyBlog

Image Source istockphoto

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