#MySelfEsteemAndI How the World Failed Lil Kim

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“I have low self-esteem and I always have. Guys always cheated on me with women who were European-looking. You know the long hair type. Really beautiful women that left me thinking, ‘How I can I compete with that?’ Being a regular black girl wasn’t good enough.”

Lil Kim like some of us has never truly understood what it means to be loved unconditionally.

She had always suffered her father’s disapproval, and that breaks my heart. “It was like I could do nothing right,” she says. “Everything about me was wrong–my hair, my clothes, just me.” After the divorce, she tried to stay with her mother, but money was tight and her father won custody.

As unsure as I was of myself and my self-worth, I could always run to my dad whenever I needed a whole lot of loving. He always had love in his eyes for me; he always had a smile for me, and even when I was being naughty, his words always sounded soft because I was certain of his love for me.

The world failed Lil Kim, and it is still failing a lot of women, a lot of men, a lot of girls and a lot of guys. Low self-esteem doesn’t happen overnight, it is not something we are born with, it is a phenomenon we are born into. Every negative word was spoken, every disapproving glance, every comparison we are forced to endure all stirs up something which eventually  locks on the inside of each and every one of us. Some are lucky enough to shake it away. A large number of us have to go through each day wondering if we will ever be good enough.

I have heard about Lil Kim, her plastic surgeries and the works, I also watched the Notorious B.I.G movie, but I was younger and still consumed with my own inadequacies that I didn’t realise that all these things were a cry for help. Lil Kim has been trying to change so many things on the outside, without realising that healing and acceptance of who and whose you are comes from within.

Oh! How I wish I could love you with the love Jesus has shown to me and with the acceptance He has given me despite my shortcomings. How I wish I could I erase every negative word that was said about and to you. Every single word.

I’d hold you so close and tell you what someone said’ “God took the time to create you exactly the way He wanted. He didn’t mess up or regret creating you. You are perfect just the way you are Kim.”

Just the way you are. He loves every single part of you. He loves everything about you, every mistake you have made, every bad road you have gone into; they all make Him love you all the more.

 

Please feel free to submit articles on how you overcame your low self-esteem and if you haven’t overcome it, I am here to help.

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#MySelfEsteemAndI Adaraa’s Testimony

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“Those who have been forgiven much, love much”

Adara and I understand what it is to be forgiven much, we understand who and whose we are. We have discovered our ultimate purpose, which is Worship. But, before this, we both struggled and went the way of the world. We both know what is like to move from guy to guy looking for something that no man on earth could give, we both know how many times we have had to shut down the feeling of guilt because the feeling of being needed surpassed the sweet voice of the Holy Spirit.

We both know what is like to be overcome by the feeling of not being good enough, not being loved enough and not being loved like we wanted.

Adara is a big force in the kingdom now, if you don’t know her, I suggest you check her page and realise that you can come out of whatever and wherever you are. The love of Jesus is so thick and so tangible that it is impossible to remain the same when you have felt this love, it is impossible to feel that you lack something, it is impossible to keep begging for love when you have experienced the love of God because you know that He died for you when you were not good enough.

His blood makes you good enough!

“I’m not too saddity and saved to tell you how I was that girl on social media. Before the memes y’all love and my crazy captions and the laughs and the fun we have on this page there was this. This was Adara. Or Topanga Turn up as I went by. Perched up on the sink in a little outfit and a cup of something dark or light not too far away. I’m not too saved and holy now to be truthful about low self-esteem. Nobody is exempted from low self-esteem. It manifests in many ways if they don’t know who they are and WHOSE they are.

For a long time, I didn’t know who I was and I searched. Failed relationships and events surrounding my teenage years that left me scarred and confused and broken forced me to lash out and look for coping measures.

TO FIND ANYTHING TO VALIDATE ME AND BRING PEACE.

Social media was what gave me a false sense of belonging. And the more I got the more I needed. It never filled me. The more it broke me.

The only person who’s been able to fill me is Jesus.

Nothing and nobody was able to fill me. I would tell my old self if I could talk to her that there’s nothing out there for her and everything that happened in the past was forgiven and covered under the cross. I would tell her church folk didn’t die on the cross for her so don’t worry about their opinions and unreasonable expectations of her especially since she’s a pastor’s daughter and that it was okay for her to make mistakes and need grace too. It was already worked out before she was born. It would tell her she’s beautiful and strong and a walking miracle. That’s what I would tell my old self and if you are like me … In this place, that’s what I would tell you.

Love , Adara 💕❤️”

I hope you have been blessed by this….Jesus heals….from within.

Please feel free to submit articles on how you overcame your low self-esteem and if you haven’t overcome it, I am here to help.

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#MySelfEsteemandI Sex doesn’t Prove Love

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People with low self-esteem get taken advantage especially when it comes to things of the sexual nature. We are the used and battered ones, we are the broken ones, and we are the ones whose light seems to go darker and darker with every relationship.

With low self-esteem, you do not feel loveable. Love is always a battlefield because you constantly have to question his feelings for you and you constantly feel you have to prove how much you deserve his love. This can lead to obsession; it becomes more of what you can do to please him instead of how you both can grow in understanding and love.

People with low self-esteem tend to have problems with sex and may be more likely to engage in higher-risk sexual behaviours. Sometimes I think the guys know you have a problem and they use it to their advantage, they know you will do anything for them, they know you will never let them go because you are too scared that you might not find any other person, so they let you do things that you may not be comfortable with. They use your soul and spirit to fulfilling their sexual desires, they make you feel like dirt after they are done, but what can you do? You are conditioned to think that you may never find another guy to love you like he does.

That is a big lie by the way.

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There is no one on the face of this earth that isn’t loveable. Not anybody, it may take a while to find that person but understand that sex isn’t a proof of love. Sex is a tool and it has been exploited.

I have written something’s below, hopefully, it will help you understand and be stronger.

  • You never realise how much affection, patience and respect you deserve until you finally walk away from the selfish, loyal user you are with.
  • It is not your responsibility to make him happy. Everyone is responsible for his or her own happiness. Happiness to me is being content in who you are not in whose you are.
  • Having sex with someone doesn’t prove love. If he guilt trips you into having sex with him, know that he is a liar and a user. Sex doesn’t make any guy love you more, it just makes him lust for you more. It’s time to let him go.
  • If he is constantly pushing you for sex every time you are with him, and whining like a child when you say no. He is a user and dangerous to your self-esteem.

I have a few questions for you, please answer sincerely,

When you look into your partner’s eyes, what do you see?

Do you feel that you deserve those feelings?

If you do not feel you deserve those feelings, honey you need to take time out to discover yourself first.

Please feel free to submit articles on how you overcame your low self-esteem and if you haven’t overcome it, I am here to help.

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#MySelfEsteemandI Signs of Low Self Esteem

low self esteem

I didn’t realise I had low self-esteem for a long time, I knew there were issues I was battling with, but I never saw it as low self-esteem. I just thought I wasn’t good enough, not pretty enough, not sexy enough, not worth the wait….

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In this post, I will be talking about the behavioural symptoms of people with low self-esteem. Hopefully, this will help you come to the true knowledge of your insecurities.

  • Poor communication skills

People suffering from low self-esteem have a problem with communicating their feelings. Due to the looming fear of rejection and inadequacy, they will not state their feelings. There is also the constant fear of upsetting others. All of these ensure that they do not confront other people, or ask for their rights if it is being trampled upon.

  • Messy Relationships

Being in a relationship with someone suffering from low self-esteem is a bit different from being with someone that has a good self-worth. When you are in a relationship with someone suffering from low self-esteem, you will have a lot of misunderstandings. This is because people with low self-esteem are usually very defensive, they do not know how to communicate, and they usually hide just how hurt they are about a particular thing and so on.

Persons with low self-esteem are most likely to be promiscuous. This is sad, but true. They feel sex is the only way they can get people to approve of them and maybe even value them. They think sex is what will make the “other person stay”, and when the person doesn’t stay, they look for another partner hoping this will keep them.

Persons with low self-esteem always try to modify themselves; they always change their looks and the way they act depending on who they are trying to please. They change their behaviour to suit whoever it is they’re with.

  • A facade

I remember always putting up a façade; I also tried as much as I could to hide my embarrassment. You see, in our minds, it is better to die in ignorance than to tell people that “we do not understand or we do not know”, so we keep mute.

People with low self-esteem feel that if they admit to a lack of knowledge or show too many emotions, people will think less of them.

  • Eating Disorders

There was a time I literally didn’t eat for over a month. I wanted to be a certain kind of way; I wanted a certain kind of shape. Unfortunately, I needed up looking sick instead of sexy.

Persons with low self-esteem will go the extra lengths to achieve a look or to feel a certain kind of way. The lengths they will go are almost always unhealthy.

  • Being Needy

The saddest thing about having low self-esteem has got to be the neediest. Persons with low self-esteem question themselves. Persons with low self-esteem are always anxious; always unsure of themselves hence they always wonder if they are lovable, if they are wantable if they are needable.  They tend to always hold to too tight to one that person they believe loves them and “is the only one that wants to be with them”.

  • Poor Boundaries

Persons with low self-esteem do not know how to define boundaries. They always tolerate the inappropriate behaviour of others and when they have finally had enough, they explode.

They also do not respect the boundaries of other persons. They are so focused on what they want and what they need that they may not necessarily pay attention to the needs of people around them.

Please feel free to submit articles on how you overcame your low self-esteem and if you haven’t overcome it, I am here to help.

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#MySelfEsteemAndI Persons with Low Self Esteem make Relationships Work

low self esteem

It’s been almost nine months since I decided to stay off relationships and it has helped my overall sense of self-worth. I was in a series of unhealthy relationships-I am sure my exes would disagree, but for me, because of my poor self-esteem, all my relationships failed.

Plus, I am incredibly stubborn.

This has been a trying experience for me because I always want to be in a relationship. I don’t know, maybe it helped with my self-worth. Having a relationship meant ‘someone wanted me’, it is really stupid now that I think about it but when it comes to persons with low self-esteem having a relationship means you are worthy to be loved. It means you are special; we do not stay or have relationships because we ‘want’ to.  We stay in relationships because we ‘need’ these relationships to help fill a gaping hole in our heart.

I do not think enough attention has been paid to self-esteem. People just dismiss persons with low self-esteem as being shy or they say that ‘he or she will get over it.’ Bad news, some of us don’t get over it.

Your self-esteem can either improve your life or keep you frustrated.

You cannot love until you have learnt to love yourself. You cannot give what you do not have. You cannot appreciate the way another human being will love you if you have not learnt to love yourself.  You will always continue to believe that the person doesn’t love or want you. You will always feel unworthy of love, you will always sense that the person is cheating; you will always be scared of the person leaving you. The person may be the most amazing lover but to you, the person will always come short.

Having low self-worth is very dangerous. Especially when it comes to relationships, this is because you feel so unworthy of love, you settle with whoever comes your way and even though you know this person is bad for you, you stay because you are afraid that nobody else will want you.

THIS IS A BIG LIE!

From personal experience and my discussions with other people, I have realised that because of this feeling of unworthiness, persons with low self-esteem try really hard to make relationships work. This was reaffirmed by a research by the University of Waterloo.

They discovered that sufferers of low self-esteem tend not to voice relationship complaints with their partner because they fear rejection. “There is a perception that people with low self-esteem tend to be more negative and complain a lot more,” says Megan McCarthy the study’s author and a PhD candidate in the Department of Psychology. “While that may be the case in some social situations, our study suggests that in romantic relationships, the partner with low self-esteem resists addressing problems.” Instead of voicing out our fears or complaints;

  • We try hard to please in order to win the love and attention of someone we have a deep affection for; this is a very silly notion because love is not a game so there’s nothing to win.
  • When our needs aren’t met by the ones we love, we become very angry. Failing to realise that nobody will love you exactly the way you want to be loved, people profess love differently, you can only appreciate how they love you.
  • Some of us just feel they must be deserving of ‘half love’ and they conclude that they are unlovable. People under this category usually move from relationship to relationship finding that ‘perfect’ someone to love them in a perfect way.
  • Persons with low self-esteem will do anything to keep the significant other in the relationship. They will go to any lengths to keep the significant other in the relationship. The significant other becomes an idol in their hearts. He or she becomes the reason for the persons every breath.

Overcoming low self-esteem is not something that happens in a day or even a year, it is a deliberate effort to shut down the negative voices in your head.

Please feel free to submit articles on how you overcame your low self-esteem and if you haven’t overcome it, I am here to help.

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#MySelfEsteemandI How to Deal with Someone with Low Self-Esteem

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I have written down the best ways to help persons dealing with low self-esteem because I realise that not many of us understand how to communicate with these peculiar set of people. Firstly, low self-esteem is not a disease, you can’t get it by communicating with people who do, if anything, communicating with people with low self-esteem can help give you a different view of life. Maybe even help you to appreciate the kind of life you have.

It will be unfair to teach you how to communicate with these people without telling you some of the challenges you will face. People have trouble communicating with people with low self-esteem because they do not understand what these people are going through. Some of the issues these people face include: self-hate, obsession with being perfect, over sensitivity, belief that they have nothing to offer, they are people pleasers, and they can be very temperamental.

Working with low self-esteem can be hard, but a little knowledge of what might be going on in their minds can help you relate to them better. The list is in no way exhaustive, but below are some of the best ways to communicate and deal with people with low self-esteem.

Train them – You have to train people with low self-esteem to appreciate themselves. Low self-esteem doesn’t happen in a flash— it is accumulated over the years— and just as the person accumulated it, you have to train them to appreciate and love themselves.

Be positive – Persons with low self-esteem always have something negative to say about themselves. It is important that you encourage them with your words and your actions. Make sure you applaud their success, attempts, and even failed attempts.

Don’t compliment; State facts – persons with low self-esteem aren’t the best people to compliment. They might be nodding and smiling but there’s disbelief on the inside of them, so it is best to compliment them without coming off as being enabling. Tell them about their strengths, accomplishments and assets.

Give feedback – People always need to know that their services are valued and that they are making a contribution towards achieving a goal. People react differently to feedback depending on how it is given. When giving feedback to persons with low self-esteem, try as much as possible to not sound disappointed.

Involve them – As much as possible, try to involve them in any activity or event that is ongoing.

Laugh with them – I always cried when people laughed at me. I still do. I don’t think it is fun, it has never been and it will never be to me or anyone with low self-esteem. Laugh with us and not at us. Teach us to understand that it is ok to make mistakes.

Listen to them – Allow persons with low self-esteem express themselves. Do not be distracted when they are relating with you— I think this goes for everybody. This shows that they matter to you and that their concerns are important enough to be heard, paid attention to, and understood.

Celebrate them –Celebrating people with low self-esteem always pays off especially when it is done publicly. They might be shy and most probably will not want to be in the spotlight, but celebrating them makes them feel proud and on top of the world

Please feel free to submit articles on how you overcame your low self-esteem and if you haven’t overcome it, I am here to help.

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