“Banke, you look nice today.”
That was always my response. I didn’t know what else to say. Thank you wasn’t an option. You shouldn’t say thank you if you don’t mean it. I never believed in compliments. I took pictures and I assessed myself in the mirror and I felt they lied to me. I believed they were ‘just’ saying it.
Compliments were the worst. I couldn’t believe it when I got any. And I would get sad if I didn’t get any.
I have the back of a tortoise. I covered myself from brutal attacks from the outside. Nobody dared to give me a negative compliment, my face was always ice. However, I didn’t have a shell for my mind. I could be alone and my countenance would change. People call it mood swings. They didn’t know. I had lost a battle to my mind.
I have fought more battles internally than I ever would outwardly.
I always try to stay among prettier girls, I thought their pretty would rub off on me. I was always walking behind. Or in front, when they wondered where I was. Unfortunately for me, my friends always seemed to be the life of the party. They were the ones who got noticed in clubs while I sat down in a dark corner with my pack of Berry Blast. I don’t drink – Berry Blast gave me the sugar rush. I was able to move my head and maybe even dance the night away after a pack of it. My friends always urged me to come dance with them.
It was a blast for a while but it always left me empty afterwards. Empty and disappointed.
Nobody asked for your number.
No guy came towards you.
You shouldn’t even have bothered.
You probably dance like a log of wood.
This was my reality after arriving back in my room, suppressing thoughts and crying on the inside. I was tough on the outside you see. I never told anyone about my troubles. They all though it was me being a little shy. I left it at that. I couldn’t take people feeling sorry for me. I didn’t want anyone treating me different from other people.
I hardly ever walked tall; that was only for beautiful girls. You wouldn’t want to bump into me and see something upsetting. I always walked looking down, making sure nobody saw me. My smile was never too wide, and if I lost myself in laughter. I always made sure to keep still.
I faced my demons alone. Me and my turtle shell.
But not anymore. The Word that is Jesus set me free from that bondage! He will do the same for you.